just over here overthinking how i show up as a mental health advocate.
my (irrational) thoughts sometimes tell me:
• i’m not “doing mental illness” well enough.
• my anxiety and depression aren’t “bad enough” for anyone to value or believe what i have to say.
• people are going to roll their eyes when they see another one of my (oversharing) mental health posts in their feed...
and my favourites, now that i’ve received the generous support of the mental health foundation of nova scotia for my podcast:
• i don’t deserve it.
• who am i to have such important conversations?
• when are they going to “find me out?”
time to freeze.
time to spiral.
time to self sabotage.
as i’m currently transitioning off of my antidepressants*, my (additional, irrational) thoughts are going something like this:
1. how do i know when my symptoms that became side effects, turned withdrawal symptoms are back to just being symptoms again?
2. are these (additional, irrational) thoughts because of my (lack of) medication or a result of my “true colours” coming back out of the woodwork?
3. what are my true colours, anyway?
• my (irrational) thoughts are louder than before
• my extreme highs are met with deeper lows
• i feel rage
• i feel alone
• i’m exhausted and i can’t sleep
but — AND THIS IS FOR ME AND MY EXPERIENCE ONLY — i need to find out who i am behind the fog.
and, in the meantime:
• i am keeping going and getting by.
• i am trusting my gut and finding my voice.
• i am resting and setting boundaries.
• i am (sometimes) doing (simply) the bare minimum.
• i am checking in and showing up…
when i can.
how i can.
the best i can.
as i am.
resetting. regrouping. reminding myself:
• it’s okay to take one step forward and two steps back.
• it’s okay to feel lost.
• it’s okay that my mind sometimes tries to talk me out of being myself… as long as i find my way back.
“STRENGTH is being BRAVE enough to talk about what’s hurting you on the inside.”
in case you feel any of the same and you ever need to talk:
— i hear you
— i’m here for you
— i love you
*transitioning off of my meds in consultation with my doctor and my therapist
As a mental health advocate, this blog is dedicated mostly to my experiences living with depression and anxiety.